Author: manabunnow4zph

Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

The Duck Hunt

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead.

The GP raised his shogun but did no shoot because he was not sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he was not sure if it was a male or female duck, so he did not shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that this is a duck, but does the duck know it is a duck?

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said,

Go see if that was a duck.

An Unexpected Encounter

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.

The operator asked him where he was and the man replied,

I am on Sycamore Drive.

How do you spell that? the operator asked.

S-i-c-k the man began. No, s-i-c-a No, s-i-k-a oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I will call you back.

Famous Quotes

It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student name Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

“Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said:

‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, ho had his hand up:?

Patrick Henry, 1775′ he said.

Very good! Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class,

‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F ___ the Indians,’

‘Who said that?’ she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

‘General Custer, 1862.’

At that point, a student in the back said,

‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks

‘All right! Now, who said that?’

Again, Chandrasekhar says,

‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells,

‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said:

‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,’

Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,

‘I think it was Lehmann Brothers, September 4th, 2008’.

Aging Girlfriends

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

Einstein on the Speaking Circuit

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said,

“Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said,

“Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Cure for a Serious Hearing Problem

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

“Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said,

“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”