The Rude Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her,

“Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious for good reason. She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,

“Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her,

“Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her,

“Hey lady.”

She paused and said,”Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

End of the School Year Celebration

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said,

“I bet I know what it is. Flowers.”

“That’s right!” the boy said, “But, how did you know?”

“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,

“I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue.

“Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage.

“Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more big taste before declaring,

“I give up, what is it?“

With great glee, the boy replied,

“It’s a puppy! SURPRISE!”

The Automobile Accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my God”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

The Tough Job of a Teacher

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.

Weather Inquiry

It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said,

“Hello? … How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” — and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks,

“Who was that?“

The husband replies, I do not know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

Alzheimer’s Check

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by scientists at a very prestigious university in the United States.

Take your time. See if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1 This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

You are not done yet. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Argument by the Defense in a Court of Law

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook.

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed solely by his arm.”

“Well put,” the judge replied with a grin. “Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Wellness Check at the Doctor’s Office

An 80-year-old Minnesota Farmer goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,

‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I’m from Minnesota and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish” says the old guy, and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight Feeding Cattle mending fences, Planting, Baling Hay, and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’

‘Well‘, says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?‘

The doctor is amazed.

‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Minnesotan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Minnesota Farmer and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks,

“You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still alive?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,

‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’

‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

‘Getting married!!…???? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?